1. Every stereotype about Amsterdam is true (even the train tickets cost €4.20
Sweaty and hauling my rucksack all the way from Centraal
Station to Museumkwartier, it struck me that Amsterdam was just how I had
imagined it; a labyrinth of canals and bridges decorated with colourful flowers
and endless bicycles, quaint Dutch buildings, tourists and hipsters alike
dodging the trams and, of course, an omnipresent smell of weed from the famous
‘coffee shops’ to live up to the cliché. In short: the place stinks of weed and
everyone has bike they’re not afraid to run you over with.
2. Google Maps is your best friend (most of
the time)
Whether it’s navigating the endless canals of the Dutch
capital or street after street of bars in Berlin, there’s no better (or
annoyingly necessary) way to use up all your monthly data allowance. You’d
literally be lost without it – that is, until it sends you on a wild goose
chase and you end up asking for a taxi to the place you’re already standing
outside. Twelve minute walk, really, Google?
3. Mind your arse on the iAmsterdam sign
If you’re in any way blessed with junk in the trunk, the
letter ‘a’ is deceptively small. We learnt this the hard way.
4. Don't wear shorts to a -9°C degree ice bar
Well this is pretty self-explanatory, I mean if you need to
wear thick gloves to be able to hold your glass of Heineken, what did we really
expect? Though when the temperature’s in the high twenties outside and the bar
is freezing cold and pirate-themed, excuse us for having nothing appropriate in
our rucksacks.
5. Style may have to be sacrificed for the
weather
See also number 4. As a fashion-conscious person and first
time backpacker, this one particularly stings. It’s pushing thirty degrees but
also lashing out of the heavens, so sometimes shorts, a baseball cap, a rain
mac and an overpriced Van Gogh umbrella from the gift shop just make sense. Did
someone say tourists?
6. McDonalds is a grim place to spend the
night
 |
| Polaroids of Dortmund's latest victims |
After missing an overnight train to the Czech Republic by
less than a minute, the floor of a Dortmund McDonalds is the last place you want
to be when you’re smelly, exhausted and pissed off. Throw in some creepy leery men, an angry
homeless man being escorted out by the police for throwing food, and a weird
couple doing laps of the place on rollerblades, and you’ve got one of the
strangest and worst nights of my life. So ready to throw myself onto the tracks
by 6am.
7. Germany likes to charge you to pee and it’s
not cool
Remember Janice the bully from Bridge to Terabithia who charged the younger kids to use the
bathroom? The chant “free to pee!” comes to mind here. A whole euro and closed
after 11pm, Scheiße!
8. If you find an unreserved carriage on a busy
train, there’s probably a reason
 |
| Turns out sweat is also a handy adhesive for travel passes |
Leaving Dresden and finally in the right country, an empty
unreserved carriage on an absolutely bunged train to Prague seemed liked a
godsend after the previous night. Six girls in a small carriage in 32°C heat
with a broken air conditioner soon proved otherwise.
9. Everyone will smell awful and want to brawl
each other at some point
 |
| Attack of the spray cream |
Lugging rucksacks in hot weather (and then rain) with melting
makeup, fighting over a tiny little hostel shower, smelly shoes lined up along
the window sill, washing your hair twice in ten days and having no access to a
washing machine really makes you wonder how we took any decent selfies at all.
Combined with never not being together, despite being close pals, some tension and
compromise is inevitable. Especially when I’m the kind of person who makes
Monica Geller seem laid-back.
10. People will chant ‘Will Grigg’s on fire’
anywhere
 |
| Imagine some football chants to accompany this view... |
More often than not, the people singing weren’t even Northern
Ireland fans. In Amsterdam’s bars? Check. In broken English on the train? Check.
From the top of the Astronomical Clock Tower in Prague? Surely not! Yep… Czech
(hahaha). Sure what else would you want to hear whilst taking in panoramas of
the City of a Hundred Spires? A bittersweet taste of home.
11. Most cities have a sex/torture museum full
of weird things you can’t unsee
 |
| "So what did you do on holiday?" |
All the weird shit you can imagine probably does exist and
has done for hundreds of years. Think you can’t pierce it? Oh, I bet you can. Lots
of bizarre contraptions from brothels, vibrators through the ages and all the
gimp masks you could ask for. You just have to wonder about the guys that visit
these places alone…
12. Don’t accept any strange pills old ladies
offer you
 |
| I don't have a photo of the pills, but this is as close as we're gonna get |
Whilst Germany’s pensioners might have your best interests at
heart, offering mysterious pills to unsuspecting teen girls with a bad cough
claiming that they’re ‘herbal’ is a little suspicious. Especially on a train
late at night. And when you were sitting at the opposite end of the carriage.
13. Ultravox ‘Vienna’ jokes get old quickly
This is my personal favourite dad joke. But when you’ve heard
it umpteen times over the phone and through text, it quickly does mean nothing to me.
14. The zoo is way funnier in German
Flusspferd (hippo), Schnabeltier (platypus), Eichhörnchen
(squirrel), Eisbär (polar bear) and the mighty Säbelschnäbler (that’s a Pied
avocet bird in English, obviously). Whilst we’re talking about funny words, Hauptbahnhof,
meaning central station, will become familiar to Interrailers as it sounds hilarious
announced over the loudspeakers.
15. Splitting the bill between six people when
you don’t speak the language makes you very annoying
When you have no languages in common, there’s only so much a
phrasebook can help you with. Waiters aren’t huge fans of fifty euro notes
either.
16. Santa is American and spends his summer on
a mobility scooter in Austria
 |
| Before Santa approached |
Who else would you expect to run into at a streetside café late
in the Viennese evening? Only Father Christmas himself, clad in a Hawaiian
shirt and sporting a thick American accent. Sure he may flatter you by telling
you your home country is his favourite place to deliver presents, but, whatever
you do, don’t buy the ‘sexy shots’ he’ll try to sell you for €2. Especially
when he assumes you’re a group of school girls. Yikes.
17. The item you need will always be at the
bottom of your rucksack
If you’re lucky enough to still have all your belongings at
this stage, the lovely new Zara shirt you’d been saving will most likely show
signs of having lived at the bottom of your rucksack, wrinklier than your granny
after a long bath. And that can of deodorant you need a quick spray of? Passport you need to show? Probably neighbours with that shirt a few litres deep.
18. Lots of countries = lots of potential baes
Variety is the spice of life, and I’m sure you don’t need me
to tell you that Tindering abroad offers a wealth of new honeys. Also shout
out: hot waiter who served me minestrone soup in Amsterdam and angelic Martin
Gore lookalike on the Berlin U-bahn. Oh, and Drake’s Iranian-Viennese doppelgänger.
19. Make sure you’re at the right address
before texting shit to your Airbnb host
Airbnb is the cheapest way to hire out really cool apartments
and the hosts are usually super accommodating; that is, given you’re at the
correct address. Philipp, sorry for the bombardment of awkward angry texts and
I’m extremely happy we never got to meet xoxo
20. I’m lucky to live in such a beautiful
continent
Despite the trials and tribulations of being an in-denial
primadonna going backpacking for the first time, there’s absolutely no denying
that we’re #blessed to live in a continent as stunning and diverse as Europe. From
the admittedly small selection of cities we squeezed into ten days, the
hedonistic charm of Amsterdam, the endless spires of Prague, the imperial glory
of Vienna or the marriage of history and urban modernity in Berlin made for
some unforgettable visits. Even at that, we barely scratched the surface of all
the cities had to offer in our limited timeframe. Plus, we can always go back
because that’s what middle class white kids do. Even if England voted for
Brexit.
21. Sometimes the best advice can be found on a
wall outside a Berlin hospital
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but sometimes a
brick wall can do the same.
You can check out more snaps of my adventures on my Flickr photostream xx
"shit happens" haha
ReplyDelete